I Love Drugs

When I woke up earlier, I’ll be honest, I didn’t even feel like I could be bothered even trying to muster the energy it was going to take to fight against the inevitable cravings to smoke. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I woke up craving crack and heroin. How crazy is that? I mean, how can you wake up and start craving before you’ve even opened your eyes, nevermind anything else?!?! It’s just nuts…

So, it was already about 11am, which gives me about six hours until my mate gets in from work. That might sound like a decent amount of time, but believe me when I say that time just runs away with itself, especially when your smoking crack. Six hours in the real world is only about half that on crack time!

Plus, I’ve got to have time to get some housework done, just normal stuff that I’d usually do while J is at work. But it all takes time doesn’t it?

Do you know what the really stupid thing is? I didn’t even really enjoy the bits the way that I thought I would!

I spent £25, got 2w and 1b. I (obviously) brought my pipe with me when I went out to score, so I had my first, and what is always the best, pipe in one of my old smoking haunts by the train station, before I came back home with the 1&1 that I had left.

It’s that feeling of the first crack pipe hitting all the little cocaine receptors in my brain, and that crazy, slightly out-of-control, rush-of-energy feeling that I woke up actually craving for this morning. So I’d probably just built it up in my head slightly too much for the reality of it to meet my expectations… what was weird too was the butterflies in my tummy feeling that I had while I was waiting for the kid to turn up with the bits. I haven’t felt those butterflies for a looong time!

Now that it’s almost over, and the drugs are almost smoked, how do I feel? Can I honestly, honestly say that I’m sorry that I did it? No, because I just didn’t have the energy for the alternative today, which was fighting against the cravings all day. Most days I am strong enough to fight them, and tomorrow is a new day and I can carry on being me, and being strong, on my journey tomorrow.

I’ve got so much to be grateful for, and that hasn’t changed. But I’m not going to beat myself up over today either…I’ve been down this road to recovery before, too many times to be bothered to remember, over the two decades (two decades!) of my drug addiction, to know that beating myself up at this stage is pointless.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, please leave me a comment if you’d like to. I love making new friends! Love Sarah xx