I Love Drugs

So, the mate that I’ve been staying with most regularly, let’s call him Jim, put it to me that maybe I should try to have a semi-regular bedtime… which I thought was a good idea, so we agreed that I’d make it to my bed no later than 3am every night (morning, whatever!)

I’ve stuck to this since we first talked about it a few weeks ago now… except for tonight. The reason for this, (which I happen to think is a fairly good one, by the way!) is because last night myself and Pixie went in to town to make some money.

Anyway, end result is that we made around £60 in, say, 3 hours, so I spent £50, getting myself 3 & 3 (Three £10 bags each of heroin and crack cocaine -when you spend £50 in one go most dealers will give you one free -and so they bloody should, £50 is a lot of dough at the end of the day!).

For me at least, three and three was a little party… which, in all fairness, is why I’d wanted to go in to town in the first place. And it also explains why I’m still up, wide awake at 6:50 in the morning.

The stupid thing is I didn’t even really enjoy it as much as I usually would… I’ve got this ex boyfriend…. fuck buddy would probably be a more appropriate term for him now. Considering that less than a year ago he was talking about us getting married, this is a huge change.

Another change is that since he’s gotten clean he’s been seeing his two youngest (twin) boys , who turned 2 in the new year. Obviously, I’m made up for him to be seeing two of his kids again, I really am…I just wish he hadn’t sort of gotten back with their mum at the same time.

Especially since the girl has zero trust in him, through his past drug use. Going missing for days on en8d, lying about his using and where he’s been. The usual lies that addicts tell to cover their tracks.

So, since all this has happened, my head, my heart has been all over the place, to put it mildly. Up to recently we went back and forth on WhatsApp, in between getting together. Only now he’s stopped messaging me on there too, fuck knows why. Only problem is that I miss him so so much anyway, and the little communication I had with him was the only thing keeping me from…. what? That’s the problem, I just don’t know. I’ve had all sorts of crazy ideas.

Bottom line is that if he doesn’t want to know me anymore there’s not much I can do about that is there? It kills me to write that sentence. It KILLS ME. I miss him so much.

Especially now. He’s still the same amazing guy I fell in love with, only now that he’s clean he looks so much healthier. He’s put on some weight, his eyes look brighter. He’s never looked so good…. and I feel like I’ve lost him forever ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥